‘Janet pleased me by laughing uproariously when reading the draft of this little speech, only to tell me it was my spelling that so amused her.’

Self-mockery of this kind is a subtle demonstration of your underlying confidence (honestly!). It offends nobody and it reminds the crowd what a likeable, loveable chap you really are.

You can also take a few gentle pot shots at people sitting alongside you at the top table, so long as you are confident that none of them will be offended. Some examples of humour targeted at yourself, your daughter, new son-in-law and wife can be found between pages 23 and 27.

This chapter provides a miscellany of one-lines, jokes, quotations and stories which you could use, or adapt and personalise, to suit the precise circumstances of the wedding. They are in no logical order because, as we have seen, humour and seriousness work best when intermixed. People respond best to a gag when it follows on naturally from a serious or emotional point... and vice-versa.

And now it’s time for those jokes and quotes:

A little boy asks his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? His father replies, ‘I don’t know, son ... I’ll let you know when I finish paying .’

Success in marriage is more than finding the right person; it is being the right person (Rabbi B.R. Bricker) .

Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

Everything that is exchanged between a husband and wife in their life together can only be the free gift of love. It can never be demanded by one or the other as a right (Ellen Key) .

Jack was reading his newspaper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful singer who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of Q. He turned to his wife and said, ‘I’ll never understand why the biggest wallies get the most attractive girls.’ His wife replied, ‘Why thank you, dear.’

Mary told her friend she was going to the doctor’s . ‘Why? What’s wrong?’ asked the friend. ‘Because I don’t like the look of my husband,’ Mary replied. ‘Can I come with you?’ enquired the friend, ‘I can’t stand the sight of mine either.’

Love, the strongest and deepest element in all life, the harbinger of hope, of joy, of ecstasy; love, the defier of all laws, of all conventions; love, the freest, the most powerful moulder of human destiny (Emma Goldman).

Liz is the most wonderful, charming, intelligent, thoughtful daughter a father could have. She does everything for me. She even wrote this speech.

After all those years together, a husband decided it was time to put a little magic back into their marriage. He disappeared.

Married couples resemble a pair of scissors, often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone or anything which comes between them (Sydney Smith).

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly (Voltaire).

Good Ladies, afternoon and Gentlemen ... I knew I should have rehearsed this speech.

The love we give away is the only love we keep (Elbert Hubbard).

A toast to sweethearts. May all sweethearts become married couples and may all married couples remain sweethearts.

A man asks his wife, ‘Why do you always carry a photograph of me in your handbag when you go to work?’ She replies that whenever there is a problem she looks at the photo and the problem seems to disappear. That shows what a miraculous and powerful influence I have on you,’ he boasts. ‘No it doesn’t,’ she retorts. ‘When I see your picture I say to myself: What problem can possibly be any greater than this one?’

A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in individuals (Pearl Buck).

A nagging old woman tells a grumpy old man, ‘If you were my husband, I would poison your cocoa’. To which the old chap replies, ‘If you were my wife, I’d drink it.’

I haven’t spoken to my wife for eighteen months ... it would be rude to interrupt.

In most good marriages, the woman is the husband’s closest friend and adviser(Nancy Regan).

Richard is taking his dog for a walk through the cemetery when he sees a man kneeling at a grave. The man seems to be praying with profound intensity, and keeps repeating, ‘Why did you die? Why did you die?” Richard approaches him, and says, ‘I don’t want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I have ever witnessed before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your child? A parent? Who, may I ask, rests in that grave?’ The mourner looks up and answers, ‘My wife’s first husband ... Why did you die? Why did you die?”

I remember the day so well when Samantha came home from her ballet lesson and announced,’Mrs Evans said I would be a fine dancer except for two things.’ ‘What are they?” I asked. And Sam replied,’My feet.’

Love does not consist of gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction(Antoine de Saint-Exupery).

Don’t let your marriage go stale. Change the bag on the Hoover of life (Victoria Wood).

Father O’Grady is saying his goodbyes to the parishioners, as he always does, after his Sunday morning service. Mary O’Leary comes up to him in tears. ‘What’s bothering you, my child?’ asks Father O’Grady. ‘Oh Father, I’ve got terrible news,’ replies Mary, ‘My husband passed away last night.’ ‘Oh Mary,’ says the good Father, ‘that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?’ ‘Yes,’ Mary replies sheepishly,’ he said: “Mary, please put down that gun.”’

A man asks his friend, ‘Don’t you and your wife ever have any differences of opinion?’ And the friend replies, ’Of course we do ... but I never tell her about them.’

Man and wife, a king and queen with one or two subjects, and a few square yards of territory of their own: this, really, is marriage. It is true freedom because it is true fulfilment, for man, woman and children (D.H. Lawrence).

I was so proud of Anna. When she was only five she could spell her name backwards.

When Laura was a little girl, she ran to me, sobbing, ‘I lost my puppy!’ ‘Don’t cry,’ I said, ‘We’ll get your puppy back. I’ll put an ad in the paper.’ ‘That won’t do any good,’ Laura wailed, ‘Spot can’t read!’

I went to the doctor and asked for some sleeping pills for my wife. The doctor asked me,‘Why?’ and I said, ‘Because she just woke up.’

I’ll never forget what started our first argument. Betty said, ‘What’s on the TV?’ And I replied, ‘Dust.’

Always remember that the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it (Erica Jong).

A lady placed an ad in the classifieds. It read: ‘Husband wanted’. The next day she received over one hundred replies. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

A man was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner. His friend spent the whole evening addressing his wife in the most endearing of terms, calling her Honey, Darling, My Love, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, and the like. The guest was impressed as the couple had been married over thirty years and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his old mate, ‘I think it’s wonderful that after all these years you’ve been married you can still call your wife those pet names.’ His friend hung his head. To tell the truth,’ he said, ‘I forgot her real name years ago.’

We grow old as soon as we cease to love and trust(Louise Honouring de Choiseul).

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a large supermarket and says, ‘I can’t find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?’ ‘Why?’ she asks. And the man replies, ’Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.’

Janet was always pestering us for a DVD player. I told her we couldn’t afford one, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Then one day she came home clutching a package containing a brand new DVD player. ‘Wherever did you get the money to pay for that?’ I asked. ‘It’s alright, dad,’ she replied, ‘I traded in the TV for it.’

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquillity had long been the talk of the town, and a local newspaper reporter was enquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. ‘Well it dates back to our honeymoon,’ explained the husband. ‘We went horse riding in North Wales. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse bucked. My wife quietly said, That’s once’. A little further the horse bucked again and once more my wife quietly said, That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone another half mile when the nag did it a third time. Without saying a word my wife dismounted and gave the horse an unmerciful kick in the balls. I started to protest over her treatment of the horse, when she looked at me and quietly said, That’s once ...’